I promise you, dear readers, that title is no typo; but, rather, an awkwardly accurate description of my first (and definitely only) date with Drew. Meeting up for coffee seemed simple enough for my first date post-breakup with Larry, especially being the conversationalist I am. Wishful thinking? Oh yes. Drew was the epitome of awkward. When I refer to him in this manner, in no way do I mean shy. Within the first few minutes of sitting down with our beverages, I was well versed on this lad’s sexual past.
Now, don’t get me wrong; Drew was quite the gentleman. He opened the doors and paid for my coffee. He was even kind enough to bring me a gift. Of course, it couldn’t be a normal gift of flowers or candy. I was greeted with a smile and a pie. Yes, a pie; an entire chocolate chess pie. However thoughtful, an entire pie was a bit overkill even for a sweets lover such as myself.
Our time at the coffee shop severely lacked the conversation I had hoped for. Instead of talking, Drew decides we should play chess. While I knew the basics of the game, namely the way each piece was able to move, I had no insight on strategy. He seemed to be a seasoned vet, taking my queen almost immediately; so much for being a gentleman.
After finishing our coffee and game of chess (which I finally lost after an hour and a half), Drew walks me home, as I lived just down the street. I had intended on saying goodbye at the door; he had different plans. We ended up sitting in my room, talking, for what seemed like an eternity before I was able to develop a solid excuse to retire to bed. There was no need for any awkward silence, as the conversations were disturbing enough. Of the things NOT to talk about on a first date, this chap touched on ALL of them. Just so I don’t seem like I’m overreacting, I have compiled a short list of a few uttered remarks and questions that made me cringe (on the inside, of course. Don’t worry, I’m not rude):

“Just so you know, I’m kind of into small boobs.”
“So.. What turns you on?”
“I think suicide is cool.”
“Do you like to be tickled?”
Insert random animal noises
“Your grandma would have been disappointed by the size of my penis.”
“Would you ever consider eating your own aborted fetus?”

I think I will leave you all to ponder those. If anyone needs further explanation why a second date will not be happening with Drew, I will be glad to hook you two up so you can find out first-hand. I guess its onto the next internet stud for this chick.

What is the most awkward date you’ve ever been on??